In Praise of the Woman-Aligned Man | What Target Audience?

A lot of people, when talking about feminism, have the misconception that it serves only to benefit women at the expense of men. This harkens back to centuries-old conspiracies of women (invariably framed as witches in consort with the Devil) meeting in secret to make plans to overthrow and subjugate their husbands; see chapter 2 of Federici in the sources for details. Even today, many (particularly on the political right) claim that the true goal of feminists and the women’s movement is to merely invert the structure of patriarchy and make men subservient to women. I won’t be directly rebutting these claims (since they are usually deployed in bad faith in an effort to litigate who is a “real” feminist and what feminists “really” believe and related conspiracizing), but I will say that as a feminist and as a woman I support the struggle for women’s liberation because I would like an end to all forms of sexist discrimination and would prefer to live in a society where people of all genders are free to live, work, and express themselves openly, without having to conform to gender roles or stereotypes. This includes the elimination of hypermasculinity (AKA toxic or hegemonic masculinity), a form of male gender stereotype that pressures men to engage in ways that are aggressive and harmful in order to earn the respect and admiration of their peers. So, at least in my mind, the feminist utopia would help men to no longer be constrained by restrictive, patriarchal gender norms either.

I don’t want to imply that the gender-based oppression (and indeed, violence) faced by men is at all equivalent to that faced by women, though, or that we should be equally concerned about the struggles of women and men. Our society is built on patriarchy and systemic misogyny, and it is structured that way specifically to exploit and dominate women (and other people of marginalized genders) for the benefit of men. Men may face some backlash from other men (and sometimes women) when they fail to toe the line of the male cultural script or threaten the power and privilege of other men, but on the whole that harm is minuscule compared to that inflicted on women (especially poor women and women of color). To be clear, I believe that we should try to eliminate harm in the world for everyone who faces it and that everyone’s pain is valid; there is no hierarchy of suffering. On the subject of patriarchy and gender-based oppression, though, it is clear who the primary targets of that oppression are and I would like us to prioritize accordingly.

All that being said, I think it is worth considering, at least for a moment, what men who are inclined to support feminism and women’s liberation can do to further those goals. There are the obvious things, of course: as Pauline Harmange puts it, “What we want is for men to put their power and privilege to good use: by policing their male friends and acquaintances...to learn how to take up less space. They don’t get to play the lead, and they’re going to have to get used to that.” I completely agree with these points, as well as her statement that “we don’t actually need men”: the feminist struggle is one that has always been waged by, and depends on, women and other people of marginalized genders working together for our collective emancipation instead of depending on the help of men. My focus, when it comes to feminism, centers on the experiences of women and trans people and how we can share and learn from each others’ stories in order to better support and organize with one another. Suffice it to say, I do not want this type of men-focused article to be a regular thing for me.

But, if I am allowed to be a little selfish and idealistic and bossy, I think there is more we can ask of men. Specifically, those men who are open to listening to what we have to say, would like to dismantle their internalized misogyny, and want to know how to use their male privilege to benefit the marginalized. In the predominant culture of the United States (at least, in my experience), it is common for the younger generations of men to have some experience with these concepts, at least in an intellectual sense. But whether they are thinking about them (much less living up to them) or not, most men are still operating from a place of hypermasculinity and/or misogyny in their daily lives due to the influence of their predominantly male peer groups. No matter how much a man tries to do the right thing by sticking up for women and calling out sexism and misogyny when he sees them, this set of social relations limits how much he can push back against the patriarchy without losing his closest friends (or at least, the friends he is most likely to spend time with on a regular basis). Obviously, I don’t think men should want to prioritize their relationship with misogynistic friends over speaking up about sexist bullshit, but practically speaking it’s hard to imagine many men would be willing to continue fighting the good fight for feminism if it means sacrificing the core of their social life.

So here’s my proposal: I think men should be encouraged to seek out platonic friendships with women (and other people of marginalized genders) and, when they build a friendship with another man, to hold him to the same standards of emotional support, communication skills, vulnerability, and general sensitivity and thoughtfulness that a female friend would. I would like it if more men prioritized their interpersonal relationships with women over their relationships with other men and learned to value the traits that commonly make friendships between women more emotionally intimate, securely attached, and supportive than those between men. I would like it if more cis men engaged in introspection about their relationship to masculinity and whether or not it reinforces the toxic status quo, as many trans men and other trans-masculine people have. I would like it if it became more common in our culture for men to value traditionally feminine things, such as openly sharing emotions, checking in on your friends regularly to make sure they’re okay, cooking for your friends instead of always eating out, tidying up after others, and hobbies such as sewing and gardening. I would like it if they could adopt the mindset of hoes before bros, to be glib.

I want this because it would help combat hypermasculinity by making it easier for men to opt out of traditionally masculine behaviors, interests, and ways of relating to others that are harmful. I want this because it would drive a wedge between men who want to align with women’s interests and those who stick to the patriarchal norm as the latter group dwindles, which forces sexist men to choose between the respect of other men and holding on to their misogynistic attitudes. I want this, selfishly as a trans woman, because it makes it easier for closeted trans women to make friends with other women (especially other queer women) and get the support they need to come out. And I want this because I think it will help a lot of men to see what they’ve been missing in their male friendships, and hopefully make them want to seek out that emotional intimacy with other men in the future instead of settling for the emotional distance, rugged individualism, casual cruelty, and quiet loneliness that often typifies male-male relationships. Simply put, I think the emotional and communicative qualities that are common in female friendships provide a more supportive, satisfying basis for interpersonal connections between people of all genders.

To be clear, I don’t think it’s our responsibility as women to take care of these boys or to lower our standards for friendship (much less dating) out of pity. If they want to try to make friends with us, that’s fine, but they still need to put in the effort to be good friends to us as much as any of our girlfriends. Those of us who are feminists are suspicious and cautious of the men in our lives, and for good reason; I think we should feel a little suspicious of men, at least by default. I, for one, feel afraid of men and the ways they could threaten or harass me much of the time. If they want to build a connection with us despite that suspicion, they need to put in the effort to earn our trust. If you agree with me on this point, you’re welcome to share this article with men who you think would be open to it, but they’re the ones who should be changing their behavior, not us. But if they can put in the work to become more aligned with our interests and the interests of all people of marginalized genders, I think that benefits everyone.

So to any men reading this, thank you for giving me your attention. I honestly wasn’t expecting any guys (at least, cis-het ones) to want to spend their time reading this feminist screed, so good on you for proving me wrong. As stated above, I don’t want to pander to your desires and preferences, but I know that it’s not easy to unlearn the things society has taught you and relearn a whole new way of thinking and relating to the world. Especially when you’re first starting to question those ingrained patterns of behavior and confront your complicity in patriarchal subjugation. As Amanda Montell says, “Our standards of masculinity are extreme and undue: they require that men be powerful, exhaustingly heterosexual, and utterly unrelated to femininity at all costs. In order to perform and protect that masculine identity, men quickly learn that in many cases, they must mask a woman’s viewpoint and disregard her pain.” As someone who’s had to do this type of inner work myself, I can tell you that it’s really rough, takes a long time, and is going to make it hard for you to know who to trust with those uncomfortable feelings. But it’s worth it. And if you’re willing to get more comfortable being vulnerable, you’ll have the chance to make true friends of all genders who are willing to accept the real you, warts and uncomfortable feelings and weaknesses and crying and all. You will have to earn their trust and not expect that it’s something you’re automatically entitled to, but I think you’ll come out the end of it feeling more secure and supported by the people in your life and more able to ask for and receive help when you need it.

If you’re looking for guidance and more information, the books, videos, and articles listed below may be helpful to you on your journey (they certainly were for me). In particular, if you’d like to improve this part of your life and be a better ally, I would encourage you to read The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by bell hooks (rest in power). You might also find this article to be helpful. For some ideas and suggestions on how to support the women (and other marginalized folks) in your life so they can feel more comfortable speaking up, see chapter 6 of Montell’s Wordslut: A Feminist Guide to Taking Back the English Language. Good luck out there. I’m rooting for you.

Sources & Further Learning

Bakar, Faima. Why do so many men think feminism is a cancer?. Metro News.

Bates-Duford, Tarra. Female vs Male Friendships: 10 Key Differences. Psych Central.

Brice, Mattie. Things I want the men in my life to know.

Cooperman, Jeannette. There Is No Hierarchy of Suffering. The Common Reader.

Danskin, Ian. The Alt-Right Playbook: How to Radicalize a Normie. YouTube, Innuendo Studios.

—. CO-VIDs: the semiotics of "cuck". YouTube, Innuendo Studios.

—. Why Are You So Angry? Part 1: A Short History of Anita Sarkeesian. YouTube, Innuendo Studios.

Ellis, Lindsay. The Male Gaze vs. The Men: Feminist Theory Part 2 | The Whole Plate: Episode 6. YouTube.

Federici, Sylvia. Caliban and the Witch.

Glancy, Josh. Male Loneliness: The Uncomfortable Truth. Men’s Health.

Harmange, Pauline. I Hate Men.